The Blog of the Frog

I was planning to write this shortly after my last post but I’ve been under so much stress over the last few months I didn’t feel much like writing and then it suddenly all caught up with me a few days ago and I’ve felt decidedly poorly!

About a month ago I decided to venture to a local ringcraft class. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while but it’s late on a Tuesday evening and I didn’t really want to do that on a week I had Cannington. I had a free week so I seized the opportunity!

I had no idea what to expect, I didn’t expect to get the same feeling I had at the show but I hoped to feel at least comfortable. It didn’t go as I’d hoped, I felt really uncomfortable. It didn’t help that there was a girl (about 10 or 11?) who kept standing right next to me trying to talk. I’m not too bad with children under 7 but anything older (up until sometime in their 20s I think!) makes me very nervous! My people skills are very underdeveloped and I never had much contact with teenagers as a teenager so they’re definitely a foreign species 😆

Also even though they’re usually very regular the breeder I’d hoped to speak to wasn’t there so that was a bit frustrating. Did see some gorgeous dogs though 😉 I came out feeling rather lost and not sure if I could ever bring myself to go back in there again!

 A couple of weeks after that I had a hospital appointment which went well, though it’s not something that belongs in detail on a public weblog!

The next couple of weeks were fairly uneventful I think. My guinea pigs are still on my mind a lot, I seem to be finding it hard to come to terms with – particularly Molly. It would have been Molly and Meg’s 6th birthday on the 12th March and she was on my mind for most of that day. I feel guilty that I feel so much more strongly towards her than Meg but then I had Molly a longer and she was the last of my first pigs which will always be special. The fact she died the day before my 18th birthday makes it somehow more special too.

Ever since the “meeting” with the breeder which didn’t happen (ie bumping into each other at the ringcraft class!) I’ve been agonising over it. At first I was going to go to the class again and hope she was there but the earliest I could make it was the Tuesday just gone (13th) and considering she’d been to Crufts and Toy Day was Sunday this year I thought she quite possibly wouldn’t be there so I decided to leave it. As it happens I wasn’t well enough to go anyway. I have all her contact details from the pap club website but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I just don’t know what to do. I also keep wondering if it’s the right thing to do but it can’t do any harm to continue down this route for now even if I decide it’s not right later.

But I’ve saved the big major exciting news for last! That’s because it was the last thing to happen but still 😆 last Friday (9th) the builder rang – right on schedule! – to say they were almost finished and they would drop their equipment off Monday or Tuesday to start digging holes on Wednesday. Monday came and went, Tuesday came and went…nothing! So on Wednesday morning dad rang him to find out what was happening. Apparently the project he’s working on at the moment is for some people that are “whilst you’re here….” kind of people! So just when the poor chap thought he’d finished they would find another job for him. However he said he’d drop the stuff round that day and just before 4pm they turned up! So now we have a cement mixer, wheelbarrow and various panels and bits of wood as well as a few other bits all over our lawn! Most exciting 🙂

They’re going to start today (unlikely I think) or Monday because it’s bad luck to start a project on a Friday, or so he says 😉 I can’t believe it’s finally here though all the waiting is driving me mad now it’s so close.

Of course there will be regular updates and pictures 😀 Must take some of my pond too – you should see it, all you can see is piles of little black squiggly tadpoles!

January is always one of those months that goes on forever. I hate January anyway, my least favourite month of the year. Can’t say I’m too sold on February either but still, at least it’s short!

It’s been an interesting couple of months, I really do think it’s about time something went right in my life though!

I had a lovely Christmas despite everything, it was actually one of the nicest I can ever remember. I had some lovely presents from friends 🙂 We had a quiet Christmas Day as usual, just the three of us, and then my grandparents on Boxing Day.

On 7th January I dared venture to my first “proper” dog show. It’s been an ambition for a number of years but I’ve never been before because I thought it would be a bit tortuous, being so close to something I’ve wanted to do so much for so long but not been able to. However, now that I am considering a show dog I wanted to get some experience, so off we went! I took lots of photos but most of them blurred too badly to use. Here are a couple of my favourites.

I spoke to the owner of this dog later, when she was in the BIS ring (I took this photo much earlier in the day, before he won the group) and he was only out for practice! Not bad 😉

This is Crackers, a Parson Russell Terrier. I got licked half to death by her!

Best in Show, a Leonberger. I was really pleased with how well this one came out. They were posing for the professional photographer btw 😉

Best Puppy in Group – Utility. I love this one. Came out nicely and I got a good angle on it (not easy when you’re so restricted)!

And finally Best Puppy in Group – Toy. This was one of the hardest ones I got all day, the lady would NOT stand still! Persistance paid off in the end though.

It was a long but very interesting day. Although I didn’t pluck up the courage to talk to anyone unless they talked to me first (which was a passing comment from the Leonberger owner, a very short conversation with the Foxhound’s owner and a proper conversation with the Parson lady.) It was a great experience. As soon as I entered the hall I got the most amazing feeling that this was what I wanted to do. Not that that means I’ve written off the idea of an assistance dog and am going for a show dog because I still haven’t made a decision.

After that came Boris, of course. I still feel very upset about it, but then I didn’t get nearly as upset at the time as I usually do and it took a week or so for it to sink in. Very hard, he had lost a some weight over the last few weeks but he was a very large guinea pig so it didn’t seem like anything sinister except the diet working! He was absolutely fine, no signs at all. Put him to bed the previous evening and he was fine. The next morning he hadn’t eaten his food and he was clearly a very poorly piggy. He had the same look about him as Molly so I knew it looked bleak, but he hadn’t had the previous cold symptoms and at just over three he was still young so I wasn’t about to give up on him. I didn’t go to Cannington (what is it with guinea pigs and Wednesdays?!) and tried to syringe feed him. Really I knew he was past the point of saving but I just had to try. I am a bit worried though, I’ve lost two to similar symptoms now with no idea what caused them.

I think that’s probably enough for one post!

Boris
October 2003 – 24th January 2007

Sleep tight not-so-little one! You shouldn’t have been taken so young but at least you’re with Molly again.

At first I didn’t want anyone to know but seeing as I’m feeling all at sea, very disorganised and I can’t even get into Christmas (at which point you know there’s definitely something wrong!) I thought maybe writing it down might help and will also explain why I’m not with it at the moment!

Ever since I was about thirteen/fourteen I’ve been waiting for the day I could apply for a dog from Dogs for the Disabled. At the time they didn’t have a youth scheme – Pals With Paws started right around my sixteenth birthday and when they first launched it you had to be under 16 – and for a Dog for the Disabled it was 18 or over. Now it’s been running for a couple of years all ages are covered – Pals With Paws is still under 16 but Dogs for the Disabled is now 16 and over. I just happened to be the wrong age at the wrong time!

Anyway, after contacting them a few times they said I could apply just before my seventeenth birthday. I did, but at the time the applications were closed because they were in between trainers at my area’s training centre. (See, timing!) I was told to try again in September, but that September I went up to Bristol Children’s Hospital and with all the stress and strain of surrounding events (and anyway I don’t think they appointed a new trainer until the next Feb/March) I didn’t end up applying until June, shortly before my eighteenth.

I went through the initial forms which they approved, then I had to fill out a medical report with my GP. That was also approved we entered the final step. The trainer that covers this area (based in Western-super-Mare) came down along with a trainer from Banbury (where the charity is actually based) who was passing on his way to visit his parents. They told me the person who makes the decisions was on holiday so it could take 1-2 months to get a decision. Just under three months, yes THREE months, and multiple phone calls to see what was happening later I got the decision last Monday, the 11th.

He rang up in the morning but I was out so I had the pleasure of ringing him back that afternoon. Joy! As if it wasn’t bad enough to know he’d rung and I had to call the shots and ring him now I think most people know how I feel about the phone at the best of times. He said that it was a very hard decision which is why it’d taken so long but the answer was no. It did sound like it was a borderline no and he explained that it was largely because they find partnerships work better if someone says “I do this this and this but I’d like to do more of this” or “I do this and this but I would find this easier if I had a dog to help me with this”. So basically it was based on the fact I don’t get out enough 😉 He said he’d welcome an application from me in the future, after I get out more! Which was sort of the point of the dog….
There is a confirmation letter in the post and there should be details of what to do if I decide to appeal as well, but I haven’t received it yet.

Part of me didn’t really think anything could go right but the other part thought it’s about time things started to go right and maybe with the extension on the horizon as well this would be the start of it.

I barely managed to keep my composure on the phone, I couldn’t speak – knew I’d totally lose it if I did! – but as soon as I put the phone down I went to pieces. The thought of this dog has given me strength to get through the past year. Through the most difficult times, when I felt I didn’t want to go on anymore this dog gave me a reason for living and hope for the future. I honestly hate to think where I’d be now without having that to hang onto.

But despite all that I think the thing that upset me the most was that effectively they were saying I wasn’t capable – ie they were worried I wouldn’t be able to cope or “make the most” of a dog.

Ever since I began the process I haven’t allowed myself to think beyond the application, just trusting that things would sort themselves out as time went on. The fact that Dogs for the Disabled obviously had sufficient doubts to turn me down has made me think – am I really being honest with myself or is it wishful thinking? Am I going to be able to get out enough to do this dog justice? I have hopes for the future and things I want to do but I have no way of knowing whether I can do these things UNTIL I get the dog. Having spent the last week and a half with it at the forefront of my mind and debating it extensively with myself, at the moment I don’t really know what I would want to do regularly with a dog. The help round the house would be fantastic and also being able to go into town without mum with me but how often do I want to go into town? Not very often! Hopefully the dog will go to Cannington with me but only one outing most weeks (plus walks obviously) isn’t going to cut it. I thought I wanted to go to college and do a course but now I’m not so sure that’s what I want to do with my precious energy.

My future is uncertain. We don’t know whether my condition is degenerative or not, we don’t know how much improvement I can make. We don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to hold down a job, even part time, and if I can whether it’ll be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time. I don’t know where I want my life to go.

I can appeal, but now I’m left with the dilemma of do I want to?

Ever since I got the result I’ve been turning it over and over in my mind, I’ve thought of little else. I’m trying to put it out of my mind, over Christmas at least, but I just can’t.

As I see it I have two choices –

1) I can appeal and (assuming I win) I’ll have a dog that will give me more independence and give me the confidence to start going out on my own and do “normal” things like going down to the shops. The downside is I’m not sure if I will be able to go out enough and I may feel pressured to do enough to make the dog work.

2) I can get a puppy, probably a Papillon, that I can do things I’ve always wanted to do – definitely agility, probably conformation and advanced obedience if I’m able (heelwork could be a problem!), possibly heelwork to music (freestyle) and anything else that takes my fancy. A Papillon wouldn’t be my first choice (but then neither would a Labrador or Golden Retriever and I’d probably end up with either one of those or a cross of the two if I went for option 1) but I chose them because they are excellent little agility dogs but need minimal exercise, plus for conformation they’re shown freestanding. Good size for cuddling in bed too 😉
This has the advantage of giving me a much longed for hobby and we could have a lot of fun, but doesn’t give me any independence – though I would get out more; to agility classes, ringcraft classes etc. The downside is obviously no added independence round the house and not being able to take him/her into “no dog” zones like shops.

I can’t explain as well as I want to, I’ve been trying for the past week and a half and I just can’t do it. I hoped that writing it all down might help but I still feel just as clueless. It seems like an impossible decision, I don’t want to live without either but I don’t want to live with either, either. Not helped by the fact whichever I decide I’m making a big commitment – around 10yrs for the dog from Dogs for the Disabled and around 15yrs for a Pap.

I feel rather like I did around my birthday, part of that is my first christmas as an “adult” (ha!) but I also feel like someone/something has died, like I felt when Molly died. That bit is definitely related to the dog but I’m not sure if it’s the dog, hopes, dreams or something else that’s died.

I do know I’m not looking forward to Christmas yet – though I keep hoping it’ll kick in – and at the moment I just wish it would all go away! But I don’t want it to be over either. Just not here yet, I suppose.

*Sighs*

I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but late Friday afternoon we got a telephone call from the architect to say he now had all three of the builders quotes and could he bring them round because he likes his clients to open them.

The traffic was terrible but he eventually arrived, it was gone five by this time. Down we sat, and brandishing my letter opener I set to on the envelopes! One was in a rather classy envelope so I left that until last. When I did open it (matching classy paper, I might add!) not only was it the cheapest but from the builder we’d wanted to have!

So there are just a couple more hoops to jump through and all being well building work will commence in March 2007! Something at times I never thought I’d say. I just hope nothing goes wrong because we really are on the home straight now. Fingers crossed 🙂

I’ve also got a reassessment for my manual wheelchair at last (only been waiting, what, two years?) on Tuesday.

Vale has been to Cannington with us for the last two weeks, last week she got bathed and the week before that we did agility. The buzz is incredible, I really wish I could do agility with her but she shouldn’t be jumping really because of her leg, though she’s fine for a bit now and then if she does too much she goes lame. Plus she has a great aversion to tunnels….even FOOD won’t get her through and she’s one of the most food orientated dogs ever 😉 She won’t come with us again for a while now, possibly next summer for washing again, if not probably next autumn.

I don’t think much else has been happening really. I haven’t been feeling quite right since I was doing all that clearing in my room, my stamina is definitely reduced. I think it’s probably stress, hopefully it’ll settle down again when my life settles down! If it ever does… 😕

No premium bond million this month though!

Well, today marks the end of a very emotional journey – I’ve moved out of my room.

I’ve actually been down here almost as long as that was my bedroom – from 1st June 1995 to July 2001 upstairs, then July 2001 to the present down here. Quite funny, I seem to need a change approx every 6 years – I had my first room for 6 years 11 months, my second for 6 years 1 month and this one will probably be about 6 years by the time the building work is done…I must be getting bored quicker 😆

Mainly I think I’m glad it’s done, though I’m sad that it’s all over forever now. I’m really missing my first animals – but November isn’t a great month for that. The 18th will be 7 years since Poppy, my rabbit, died and she was incredibly special to me. The 6th would have been the 7th birthday of my mouse trio, Holly, Ivy and Star and November is also the month Holly died. Bob has no link with November but I could envisage his tank so clearly, and I found the paper copy of the poem I wrote just before I had to have him PTS.

So, I bring you bring you photos…

My room before I removed the final bits and pieces. Click for a larger picture and you can see an even larger one by using the size options 😉 Same goes for all the photos so I don’t have to keep repeating myself. 

and after. Note changed curtains and headboard 😉

Boxes full of stuff for a car boot. Every one of those is as full as we could get them! Raided the banana boxes from Sainsburys (except for that fragile one which we nabbed off the end of someone’s drive; they’d put it out for the dustbin men :lol:)

This is my wardrobe, it’s stuffed with more boxes. Lots more boxes, the wardrobe is fairly full….

Another shot of the wardrobe. The door with the knob on the right is a cupboard, it’s empty except for a couple of bits I couldn’t fit downstairs (which really is my Julip stable – though not one of theirs, my grandad made mine – and (real) grooming kit)

Lastly I bring you my moved out and abandoned looking room…

That’s the end of the bed in the bottom lefhand corner. The keyboard was moved from downstairs, my bookcase was there but I wanted it downstairs so the keyboard and bookcase swapped places. The first three drawers of the chest of drawers have my clothes in, the bottom drawer is empty. My clothes are staying there for now but when the extension is built I’ll be getting a new chest of drawers because I can’t open that one.

And this is the other end of the room. The cupboard on the left is empty save for a large pile of magazines which are awaiting car booting/recycling/something, as they’re heavy it seemed like the most sensible place. Looks very abandoned now doesn’t it?

So, there we have it. Chapter closed! I need to get my current room in order again and then I’ll take a couple of photos of that too. Can’t wait, can you 😉