At first I didn’t want anyone to know but seeing as I’m feeling all at sea, very disorganised and I can’t even get into Christmas (at which point you know there’s definitely something wrong!) I thought maybe writing it down might help and will also explain why I’m not with it at the moment!

Ever since I was about thirteen/fourteen I’ve been waiting for the day I could apply for a dog from Dogs for the Disabled. At the time they didn’t have a youth scheme – Pals With Paws started right around my sixteenth birthday and when they first launched it you had to be under 16 – and for a Dog for the Disabled it was 18 or over. Now it’s been running for a couple of years all ages are covered – Pals With Paws is still under 16 but Dogs for the Disabled is now 16 and over. I just happened to be the wrong age at the wrong time!

Anyway, after contacting them a few times they said I could apply just before my seventeenth birthday. I did, but at the time the applications were closed because they were in between trainers at my area’s training centre. (See, timing!) I was told to try again in September, but that September I went up to Bristol Children’s Hospital and with all the stress and strain of surrounding events (and anyway I don’t think they appointed a new trainer until the next Feb/March) I didn’t end up applying until June, shortly before my eighteenth.

I went through the initial forms which they approved, then I had to fill out a medical report with my GP. That was also approved we entered the final step. The trainer that covers this area (based in Western-super-Mare) came down along with a trainer from Banbury (where the charity is actually based) who was passing on his way to visit his parents. They told me the person who makes the decisions was on holiday so it could take 1-2 months to get a decision. Just under three months, yes THREE months, and multiple phone calls to see what was happening later I got the decision last Monday, the 11th.

He rang up in the morning but I was out so I had the pleasure of ringing him back that afternoon. Joy! As if it wasn’t bad enough to know he’d rung and I had to call the shots and ring him now I think most people know how I feel about the phone at the best of times. He said that it was a very hard decision which is why it’d taken so long but the answer was no. It did sound like it was a borderline no and he explained that it was largely because they find partnerships work better if someone says “I do this this and this but I’d like to do more of this” or “I do this and this but I would find this easier if I had a dog to help me with this”. So basically it was based on the fact I don’t get out enough 😉 He said he’d welcome an application from me in the future, after I get out more! Which was sort of the point of the dog….
There is a confirmation letter in the post and there should be details of what to do if I decide to appeal as well, but I haven’t received it yet.

Part of me didn’t really think anything could go right but the other part thought it’s about time things started to go right and maybe with the extension on the horizon as well this would be the start of it.

I barely managed to keep my composure on the phone, I couldn’t speak – knew I’d totally lose it if I did! – but as soon as I put the phone down I went to pieces. The thought of this dog has given me strength to get through the past year. Through the most difficult times, when I felt I didn’t want to go on anymore this dog gave me a reason for living and hope for the future. I honestly hate to think where I’d be now without having that to hang onto.

But despite all that I think the thing that upset me the most was that effectively they were saying I wasn’t capable – ie they were worried I wouldn’t be able to cope or “make the most” of a dog.

Ever since I began the process I haven’t allowed myself to think beyond the application, just trusting that things would sort themselves out as time went on. The fact that Dogs for the Disabled obviously had sufficient doubts to turn me down has made me think – am I really being honest with myself or is it wishful thinking? Am I going to be able to get out enough to do this dog justice? I have hopes for the future and things I want to do but I have no way of knowing whether I can do these things UNTIL I get the dog. Having spent the last week and a half with it at the forefront of my mind and debating it extensively with myself, at the moment I don’t really know what I would want to do regularly with a dog. The help round the house would be fantastic and also being able to go into town without mum with me but how often do I want to go into town? Not very often! Hopefully the dog will go to Cannington with me but only one outing most weeks (plus walks obviously) isn’t going to cut it. I thought I wanted to go to college and do a course but now I’m not so sure that’s what I want to do with my precious energy.

My future is uncertain. We don’t know whether my condition is degenerative or not, we don’t know how much improvement I can make. We don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to hold down a job, even part time, and if I can whether it’ll be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time. I don’t know where I want my life to go.

I can appeal, but now I’m left with the dilemma of do I want to?

Ever since I got the result I’ve been turning it over and over in my mind, I’ve thought of little else. I’m trying to put it out of my mind, over Christmas at least, but I just can’t.

As I see it I have two choices –

1) I can appeal and (assuming I win) I’ll have a dog that will give me more independence and give me the confidence to start going out on my own and do “normal” things like going down to the shops. The downside is I’m not sure if I will be able to go out enough and I may feel pressured to do enough to make the dog work.

2) I can get a puppy, probably a Papillon, that I can do things I’ve always wanted to do – definitely agility, probably conformation and advanced obedience if I’m able (heelwork could be a problem!), possibly heelwork to music (freestyle) and anything else that takes my fancy. A Papillon wouldn’t be my first choice (but then neither would a Labrador or Golden Retriever and I’d probably end up with either one of those or a cross of the two if I went for option 1) but I chose them because they are excellent little agility dogs but need minimal exercise, plus for conformation they’re shown freestanding. Good size for cuddling in bed too 😉
This has the advantage of giving me a much longed for hobby and we could have a lot of fun, but doesn’t give me any independence – though I would get out more; to agility classes, ringcraft classes etc. The downside is obviously no added independence round the house and not being able to take him/her into “no dog” zones like shops.

I can’t explain as well as I want to, I’ve been trying for the past week and a half and I just can’t do it. I hoped that writing it all down might help but I still feel just as clueless. It seems like an impossible decision, I don’t want to live without either but I don’t want to live with either, either. Not helped by the fact whichever I decide I’m making a big commitment – around 10yrs for the dog from Dogs for the Disabled and around 15yrs for a Pap.

I feel rather like I did around my birthday, part of that is my first christmas as an “adult” (ha!) but I also feel like someone/something has died, like I felt when Molly died. That bit is definitely related to the dog but I’m not sure if it’s the dog, hopes, dreams or something else that’s died.

I do know I’m not looking forward to Christmas yet – though I keep hoping it’ll kick in – and at the moment I just wish it would all go away! But I don’t want it to be over either. Just not here yet, I suppose.

*Sighs*